Stop Even Caring

I bought a $40 chin-up bar that doesn't work in my apartment

Thu, 28 May 2009 18:49:06 -0400

Nick: I can't mail it back cause that'd cost like $20.
Ned: You don't seem like the kind who'd use a pull up bar.
Nick: Well exactly.
Ned: Maybe you could use it as The Club for your car.
Nick: I have a tiny bit of a belly, only because I have no chest whatsoever.
I am too embarrassed to Craigslist it.
It's now a $40 push-up stand.
I can't even use it for sit-ups.
Ned: Craigslist it, at least that's $20.
A funny story too might help, I'm sure there's some person out there.
Nick: But then I'll have to meet someone and be their story.
Ned: That's not necessarily a bad thing.

Take my picture for when I'm famous

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:33:33 -0500

So Barack Obama was one slick guy in college. Dude pulled off a Panama hat. No one under 40 pulls off a Panama hat. You look at his grin and it’s hard to believe he wasn’t banging the photographer.

Gotta get me some pictures like that. So when I’m famous people can see I was always cool even before I was famous.

You, camera girl, take my picture. Watch me smoke this. Watch me smoke it so cool. God, this is, what is this? This is a clove. You got a real—? No that’s okay, if it’s your last one I’ll just…I’ll drink this coffee. Here, get me drinking this so cool. Wait. Wait let me fix my hat. No, stop, delete those, I’ve got hat hair. Oh god damn it, now there’s a coffee stain on my—go away.

Don’t need any stupid “photos of his youth.” When I’m famous I’ll pay someone to Photoshop one.

If you like Stop Even Caring, you'll like this comedy series I wrote.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 03:25:21 -0500

If you like Stop Even Caring, you'll like this comedy series I wrote.:

It’s called Kaspar and Canning, and it’s about a San Francisco detective agency.

Surprise buttsex

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 00:54:53 -0500

“So for the first time, I had anal sex with someone but not vaginal sex. And it was the first time she’d had anal. And we’d never had sex before.

“I came like a thief in the night.”

My time-saving morning routine

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:06:36 -0500

* Before I hop in the shower, I put a pot on for tea.
* I brush my teeth in the shower while my conditioner sets. I know when to get out of the shower because my roommate is screaming “Turn off the fucking teapot!”
* To avoid losing a half-hour to filtering through my e-mail, I hit “select all unread” and “delete.”
* After taking care of e-mail, I take a walk while eating breakfast. Usually I end up spilling cereal on myself, so I take another shower while drinking my tea. This way, if I spill the tea, I can soothe the burn with cool water.
* Instead of reading the morning news, I call my friend at work. “What’s happening this morning?” I ask. “Where the hell are you?” he asks. I say I asked my question first, and if he keeps asking then I know there must not be any world-changing news this morning for him to still worry about the little things.
* At 11:30, I roll into the brokerage firm, ready for a long day of trading.

“Tada!” says my Mac. “Tada for...

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:38:00 -0500

“Tada!” says my Mac.

“Tada for what?”

“I started again!”

“But you’re still broken.”

“Yeah well, tada!”

“Tada my ass, Finder’s still frozen after a fresh install.”

“Well did you repair permissions?”

“Yes I repaired permissions.”

“Did you reset the Finder preferences?”

“Yes I reset the Finder preferences.”

“Did you unplug that ugly-ass external hard drive?”

“Why? Why is it ugly?”

“It clashes with me.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. I’m rebooting.”

“Tada!”

“OKAY HERE I’M UNPLUGGING THE DAMN DRIVE.”

“Here you go. I work now.”

“Can I plug it back in?”

”@#$^@#%!@%”

“OKAY I UNPLUGGED IT AGAIN. God. This drive has all my backups. You ass.”

“Tada!”

"I came, I saw, I conquered"

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:47:15 -0500

“I came, I saw, I conquered”

- In that precise order.

Live in the moment after the orgasm

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:29:38 -0500

It’s amazing how out of your mind you are before you orgasm and then right afterward you become completely lucid. — Alex Goldberg

I just had an orgasm.

A disgusting revelation, right? But why? It’s a natural thing and you know the above to be true. Especially for men. I’ve been in the filth mines of 4chan where they speak only truth about the human condition. That is where brigands and fools discuss the shameful secret of humanity: We want some pussy.

Substitute dick for that, straight ladies and gays. Everything you do is secretly pushing toward that goal, if not directly, then on a grander level: security, passion, power, satisfaction — it’s all an advanced state of the fight for pussy.

There is one moment from that freedom: The moment after climax. The brain is rushed with endorphins, has flushed the fluids of desire, and is clear as the Caribbean. And this is the cause of shame.

For in that switch from madness to sobriety, we look back on the immediate past. And while sometimes it’s glorious, something you’d have watched in a movie, often it is despicable to your momentarily crystal mind. You slept with someone ugly. You took home an asshole. You’re in a loveless marriage. Because you are a slave to your body.

The aforementioned fools of 4chan have attempted to create chronicles of human knowledge compiled only of the thoughts of the recently climaxed. Their efforts are doomed because they rely on civilians beholden to their cocks. There is only one way to achieve long-term what the orgasm achieves in the short: a celibacy so long that one forgets altogether the race for the pussy.

It is no coincidence that in Europe’s darkest ages, monks saved the secrets of civilization. Nor that the king filled his court with eunuchs and himself with the means to retain constant post-orgasmic thought. We owe the world’s riches to a harem.

Time passes; I can feel myself slipping back. Soon I will be IMing a cute girl because I like her blog, or I will smile at a stranger on the street because who knows maybe we’ll chat and go home together. But remember my words, children, and do your best work in the moments after climax.

Molls has a cool attitude.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:53:40 -0500

Molls has a cool attitude.

I get ten calls a day from "Unknown"

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:52:59 -0500

I refuse to pay my college loan.

I can’t afford it (the last offer they gave me would cost $575 a month, $300 of which would purely go toward interest), and like my friend Molls, I always expect that some day soon I’ll be flush (thanks to talent, luck, and pluck) and I’ll pay the whole damn thing off at once.

In the meantime, I get called every hour and a half by a blocked number. I could pay AT&T ten bucks a month to block blocked numbers, but that’s a bit too proactive — like the difference between forgetting something in your shopping cart at the checkout, and tucking a little something into your jacket.

Until recently, the blocked number always meant my college loans. Now it also means one of my maxed-out credit cards. I know this not because I answered but because they left a voicemail. I listened to half the voicemail.

Like T-Rex of Dinosaur Comics, I am a firm believer in the “do nothing and your problems will take care of themselves” school of problem solving. And that is the heart of Stop Even Caring.

On election night at 11 PM my time, 2 AM his time, I called my...

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:59:26 -0500

On election night at 11 PM my time, 2 AM his time, I called my Republican friend Kevin and left a voicemail which goes, in its entirety, “Hahahahaha fuck you.” Four hours later, he called me back.

How to make an air freshener from a dryer sheet

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:27:43 -0500

“Your room smells like boy,” she said. She insisted this wasn’t a bad thing, and you like being called boy, but that’s when you vowed to change the sheets and stop masturbating into the trash can.

The next day, after rubbing one out onto the garbage (come on, it’s mostly just paper), you lit some incense. Now the kitchen smells like Indigo Spice and your room still smells like boy.

Two days later you’re doing laundry and you pull three used fabric softener sheets from the pile of unfolded coloreds. An hour later, as you pick up the trash can to make your twice-daily deposit, you smell Downy.

You tuck a sheet in the closet and another under the mattress.

(via extrafirmhold)

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:21:49 -0500

(via extrafirmhold)

Your most pathetic meals

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 11:08:00 -0500

I asked and you answered: What’s the most pathetic meal you’ve ever made?

Dianne de Guzman:

Homemade kimchee. No rice, no noodles, nothing. Straight out of the jar.

I didn’t even make the kimchee. So I guess this doesn’t technically count as most pathetic meal “made.”

Josh Martinez:

The first time I made mac cheese from scratch, I had no idea how to do it. So I melted some butter, added the cheese, then remembered flour was supposed to go in there somewhere. I dumped on what was probably half a cup of flour and then mixed it all together. It turned out like gritty cheese-flavored mac and bread. Adding peas to the dark orange concoction didn’t help. I forced myself to eat the entire thing.

Also in the running is the time I tried to smoke a salmon, but used table salt instead of kosher salt. It ended up being so salty that I mushed it all up, baked it, and called it fishloaf. It didn’t help. Again, I had to eat the entire thing. In cooking terms, I figured it was like rubbing a dog’s nose in the mess it made.

Eran Globen:

Scrambled eggs with cereal. It was the only two edible things I had at home.

(Nick: Not very lame!)

Dude, the cereal was scrambled with the eggs! I figured I can’t just eat scrambled eggs alone. Need some carb or something to chew on…

What's the most pathetic meal you ever made?

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 13:50:35 -0500

I could write a big ol’ post but I don’t feel like it and I think this will get me more traffic. E-mail me the story of your most pathetic meal at stopevencaring@gmail.com.

Accepted: Ramen, failed cakes, food eaten while crying

Not accepted: Honestly I’ll take anything if you entertain me. My roommates have friends in the kitchen, dominating the appliances, and I don’t want to talk to these people just to earn some of their quiche.

“I won’t do any work for a cause, but I’ll...

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 21:28:00 -0500

“I won’t do any work for a cause, but I’ll gladly walk down a street in support.”

How to get laid at the Prop 8 protest

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 21:24:00 -0500

The newspaper says there were thousands of you. Imagine if you’d all spent an hour at a phone bank, you don’t wonder. If only you stayed informed about campaigns other than Obama’s, you fail to reflect, you could have saved gay marriage. Somewhere there’s a Mormon, a lot of Mormons who cared more about total strangers, you don’t tell yourself, than you care about your gay roommate.

You and half of the Bay Area marched down Market to the Castro, then to Dolores Park, then back up Market, then a few hundred of you went back down Market to show the gays you really meant it and because someone handed you this beautiful sign with letters in rainbow.

This is a good time of year in San Francisco for rainbows.

On the second lap you fell in behind a girl with a flag and she looked pretty straight. You wondered if she was a lipstick lesbian, but you made it beside her and she was wearing a “straight girls for gays” button so that was convenient and on the final lap you were talking about the online petition you both signed and the Facebook group she had joined but you hadn’t (because you don’t really join Facebook groups after being burned in 2006 by intramural fighting on “Save Arrested Development”).

She had a long commute home so first she rested at your place which was just three blocks away and had some wine and then you kissed and she had a lot of pubic hair and you used your fingers which was lucky because then you came too soon.

End the H8, said the sign.

Recipes For The Uncaring

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 03:49:56 -0500

Just-in-time Grilled Cheese
1. Heat frying pan
2. Butter slice of bread
3. Cool off smoking pan
4. Put bread in pan
5. Get cheese
6. Find clean knife
7. Slice hunks of cheese
8. Toss hunks on bread
9. Butter another bread slice
10. Toss on cheese
11. Flip
12. Burn
13. Eat over sink

Baked Pasta
1. Set pasta to boil
2. Go use the Internet

Unnngh…so close…NO AUNT SHELLEY!

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:22:00 -0500

Unnngh…so close…NO AUNT SHELLEY!

Things to which I've accidentally masturbated

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 03:17:45 -0500

The Drudge Report
An instant message from a family member
Facebook (accidentally on purpose)
My blog